By: Suditi Jindal
I recently completed a one year stint in the UK. I resumed my studies after a gap of sixteen years. It was a difficult and scary decision to make. However, my efforts of laying a strong foundation to erect my dreams upon it, became my biggest strength.
My greatest investment was into nurturing my two children who are now fifteen and eleven years old. I had left them at home in a joint-family set-up in India. I recall having no second thoughts about leaving my children for a year. With the grace of God, they managed splendidly well in my absence. Of course, they had loving and caring grandparents, father, uncle, and aunt, besides the affectionate house-help, to support them, yet they never became a source of worry for me or the others. My father-in-law’s remark upon my return that the family had not once, in my absence, experienced any difficulty on account of the children, was a relief for me. It also made me ponder about the reason that had made me so fortunate.
I distinctly remember being a difficult child to raise, especially after I entered my teenage. But why had God spared me the ordeal, especially as my elder one, a daughter, became a teenager? I feel a few thoughts and habits helped me become a better parent to my children.
I had come across a poem by the late Lebanese poet Khalil Gibran on children (click here to read the poem). He talks about the love that is selfless, detached, and assured. The last few lines of the poem have continued to guide me and help me in being a parent to my two children, and I reproduce them below:
“You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.”
I was also influenced by the ancient Hindu philosopher, Chanakya’s thoughts on raising children. He has said, “Treat your children like a darling for the first five years. For the next five years, scold them. By the time they turn sixteen, treat them like a friend. Your grown-up children are your best friends.”
My doubts and dilemma’s about good parenting were all put to rest when I read Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, by Mary Baker Eddy (click here to know more). The book says, “The entire education of children should be such as to form habits of obedience to the moral and spiritual law, with which the child can meet and master the belief in so-called physical laws, a belief which breeds disease.”
These texts have influenced my thoughts and actions as a parent. I can enumerate the following as the main principles or rules that I follow to be a good parent:
- My children are not an extension of me, a part of me, or a reflection of me. They are their own person with their own destiny and purpose. They like me and all others, are a reflection of the divine Spirit.
- I have to only give to my children the best possible opportunities that I can provide. I can guide them as to how to use these opportunities but not decide for them as to how they will use them. I have to free myself from the false sense of responsibility that if I do not make good decisions for my children then who will? They will make their own decisions.
- My job as a parent is to become redundant eventually. I understood this statement completely through the example of a driving instructor. If my driving instructor keeps controlling the car, even though I may have access to the accelerator, brake, clutch, and the gears, will I ever learn driving?
- I have to have patience to let my children fail and make mistakes. I should be prepared to motivate them and support them whenever the need arises. I have realised that on my death-bed it will be more important for me to be assured of my children’s wisdom and self-reliance than of their affluence. I will remember fondly the moments when I have loved them rather than instances when I have corrected them.
- Finally, LOVE is the only quality that makes a good parent. My Love for my children and the way I express it, are the most important elements of our relationship. I have experienced that there is no issue in our life that cannot be resolved through love alone. I also remember to express my love for my children even when it becomes impossible to even like them. I love my children by not succumbing to their wishes but by surrendering to the Truth – the right path. I may have to give them a bitter pill to swallow to overcome the fever (figuratively speaking), but I do not have to forcibly thrust it into their mouth.
I hope these tenets help you a little, if not a lot.
I will talk about the power of ‘yes’ in parenting, in my forthcoming column.